Bad Buys: Every Unplayed Game in my Steam Library
We’ve all bought very stupid things before. So, I am introducing a series called “Dumb Things I’ve Bought,” where I talk about purchases I’ve made that I regretted.
To start, let’s review every video game that I have bought, but literally never downloaded. That’s right — this is a silly listicle telling you about a bunch of things that I bought but literally never touched.
Ones in bold are entries that I think are particularly humorous. For the sake of completeness, you are going to get blurbs on everything, but some are certainly funnier than others.
A
Aegis Defenders: Humble Bundle occasionally offers games for free, and this was one of them. Still, I should have given this activation code to someone else.—I doubt I’ll play this game, as it looks to be a tower defense game, a genre that I have never liked. You can’t beat free, I suppose! And you can’t beat a game if you never play it.
Amnesia - Memories: I think this came in a large bundle of Neptunia games (more on that down below)…
Ashes of the Singularity: Ugh, this is an RTS, which I haven't played since Warcraft 3. No interest in this game, but it was part of Humble Choice one month, so here we are.
B
Blacklight: Retribution: I have no memory of buying this. It seems to have been a free FPS multiplayer game that got shut down in 2019. There are many, many ranty reviews on Steam telling the developers to put it back up, and that the developers owe it to the fans. Maybe, in some other angrier timeline, I am writing such a review. But this game, in my library, is utterly meaningless since the servers have been shut down. Its gameplay, to me, is like tears in the rain, or something.
C
Catherine Classic: This is a Humble Choice game that I am planning to play. It's a puzzle platformer about dating. Well, about cheating on your girlfriend, specifically. It looks like the Q*Bert of cheating on your girlfriend.
D
Darksiders III: Another Humble Choice, and honestly, I do plan to play this game at some point. It looks fun as hell, though I hear the difficulty curve is brutal.
Deus Ex - Game of the Year: Um, I think it was heavily discounted to like, a dollar. It's an old FPS it looks like? I doubt I will ever play this.
Deus Ex - Human Revolution: This is another one that gets heavily discounted frequently. Right now it is $3. It is an FPS with RPG elements, and I believe I purchased it because I heard it get compared to Fallout 4, a game whose play loop is quite addictive to me.
Distraint - Idk dude, this is a horror game. I don't even like horror games. I definitely paid three dollars for this too. The past is a foreign country, sure, but the person who will experience the things we buy, who will end up consuming what we have purchased, is so often just as foreign.
E
ENSLAVED Odyssey to the West Premium Edition: I… what is this, who thought of this name? Why does the store page’s description include this sentence: “Use Monkey to overtake an enemy, steal its weapon, then rip the enemy apart systematically.”? Who is Monkey? I like how this process of looking over unplayed games is like finding an arrowhead or a potsherd somewhere and having to dig tirelessly to find the civilization that birthed it. What was happening when I bought this game?
Evoland Legendary Edition: Oh, this one has a cute gimmick where you play through the history of gaming. I will probably play this in 2021. Something nice and simple to relax to.
F
Fae Tactics: Oh, I am very excited for this one, and got it recently. It has been touted as the successor of Final Fantasy Tactics, whose third and final game, Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced 2: Grimoires of the Rift (a mouthful, sure) I logged 300 hours to when I was twelve. This came from Humble Choice, so finally I can defend spending 12 dollars a month on that service.
Fairy Fencer F: Part of the aforementioned Neptunia bundle. When I need my next JRPG fix, I'm likely to play this… If I’m not playing one of the thirty other JRPGs on this list.
Final Fantasy XII, The Zodiac Age: The remake of the prequel to my favorite game as a child. My mother bought this for me for my birthday, and I am very excited to dig in the next time I have the emotional bandwidth for a one hundred hour campaign. This is going to be candy for me one day! (Please, please, for my mother’s sake, don’t let this game reappear in the 2021 edition of this list).
G
Generation Zero: No, this is good. This is from Humble Choice. You are in the 80s and you fight communist robots. It's Red Dawn with robots. I really want to play this.
Get Even: What? A psychological horror game? It's a stealth game too? I hate stealth games! Why is this here? Was this Humble Choice? I feel like my bad taste from the past is negging present me.
Grimm's Hollow: Oh, this looks like a very cute RPG Maker game with a battle system reminiscent of Lisa the Joyful or Undertale. It's also free. Good. Good. This was a good choice.
H
Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number: Oh wow! I loved playing the first game in 2015, and then I bought the sequel in 2017, and now it’s 2021 and I haven’t even downloaded it.
Hyperdimensions Neptunia Re;birth 2: I loved Re;birth One! For the 52 minutes (that's an exact number) that I played it. But I guess those 52 minutes compelled me to get a bundle of Neptunia games for later. I am fairly certain I bought this bundle to tide me over until Trails in the Sky Second Chapter went on sale again… Which it did a week later. And so I never touched a Neptunia game again.
Hyperdimensions Neptunia Re;birth 3: Re;birth is a remake of the original Neptunia series, and this entry is a remake of the entry above.
J
Jurassic World Evolution: This game lets you run a Jurassic World theme park and breed dinosaurs. This came from Humble Choice, and I will likely play it this year.
K
Katamari Damacy ReROLL: Hell yah. I love Katamari Damacy. Nice. I should play this.
L
The Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel II: The seventh entry in the long standing "Trails" series, whose first five and a half entries I have played through. I'm stuck on entry number six right now, Trails of Cold Steel I, which is considered to be the slogfest of the series. Since I watched every trailer for the eleventh entry in this series... And get daily notifications through Google for the soon-to-be-released twelfth entry… I'm sure I will get to this one eventually. Right?
The Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel III: ;) ;) ;)
Little Misfortune: Oh. This is a point and click adventure game. I will never play this. I hate mice.
M
Mad Father: People say this one is like Yume Nikki, which is much beloved by me. Maybe in 2021!
Manuel Samuel: Humble sometimes gives away games for free, and this was one of them. This looks a lot like QWOP, full body edition. I won't play it.
Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy: The Telltale Series: HAH! I remember this! I was in a comics book store in Claremont and I found a download code on a card at the checkout, which entitled me to a free copy. With the end of Telltale as a company, this game has been pulled from the Steam store. What a cursed series of events that has lead me to this list.
Mass Effect 2: No controller support on Steam. I will never play.
Metal Gear Sold V: The Phantom Pain: I will play this one day. Maybe in 2024.
P
Phantom Brave PC: Bought this and its sister game Disagea at a steep discount. I ended up getting two hours into Disagea and calling it quits—the tactics style gameplay just had a bit too many balance issues. Phantom Brave may get a play through at some point—maybe Disagea stinks but Phantom Brave scintillates—but not any time soon.
Pikuniku: Idk, it looked cute.
S
Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition: This is a GTA rip-off set in Hong Kong, and since I enjoyed Watchdogs 2, another GTA rip-off, I think I will play this one eventually. I got it for three dollars, so even if I never pay it, I think three dollars is a fair price to have the option to maybe play a large GTA rip-off game later.
Smile for Me: Oh my God! I got this through Humble Choice and it looks so fun. It's a surrealist adventure game where the only thing you can do is wander the world and either shake your head no, or nod your head yes, at people. It sounds like a hell of a good time.
The Suicide of Rachel Foster: I got this through Humble Choice as well. It's a game that fans of art games like myself are "supposed" to play. So, no, I will never download it.
Super Bernie World: Lol this one was free don't look at me and my meme games like that.
T
Tekken 7: This came from Humble Choice, or maybe as part of a Humble Bundle. I'll pass.
Tomb Raider: If I downloaded this game, all the money I spent on a sweet ass graphics card will finally be put to good use. I can't let that happen.
The Uncertain Last Quiet Day: Oh. This seems to be an adventure game about robots and morality. Yes. Yes I will play this. I got this through Humble Choice.
V
Vampyr: From Humble Choice. A soapy supernatural RPG set in 1918 London. Were it not for the dourness of our current moment, I would likely dig in.
W
Wargroove: Another tactics RPG? That brings the list of unplayed tactics RPGs up to six. I do love tactics RPGs...
Watch__Dogs: I enjoyed 2 a lot, so I thought I might get one. What could the harm be? It's not like I would end up bailing on Watch Dogs 2 three missions before its finale because I realized it had tricked me into playing a stealth game for 60 hours. I hate stealth games!
The Witcher: No controller support.
The Witcher 2: No controller support.
X
XCOM 2: Another tactics RPG! Free on Humble Choice.
Y
Yakuza Kiwami 2: Oh yes. I got this for free on Humble Choice. I can't wait to finish Yakuza 0 and crack this one open.
Now here’s my challenge for the folks reading along at home! Chances are, if you play video games, you have a Steam library just as strewn with unplayed purchases as I. Let me know in the comments the games you thought you would play, but never did. I think it will enlighten you as to how your purchasing habits don’t necessarily line up with your playing habits… And the amount of money you’ve probably wasted on things you don’t need.